The nest is empty.

The daughter has left on her travels, taking her first independent steps to explore the big world out there. My feelings about that are mixed and many – and I know that’s as it should be. However difficult it is for me I wouldn’t have it any other way. And I now it’s difficult for her father too. He’s just started to build a relationship with her away from the day to day living, the arguments were stopping, things were improving, and then off she goes.

I invited him round on her last evening. Just to be on hand, around for a bit of chatting and hanging out. Not that there was much socialising with her, amid the chaos of packing and the other friends visiting there wasn’t a lot of time for just them. But they did have a few minutes of just them. I know he’s going to miss her. I know it still feels weird. For both of us.

As I was driving back from the airport I joined a massive traffic jam. Not helpful when you’re trying to keep busy and not get upset. I couldn’t help but think of all the times I had dropped the daughter off somewhere and left, having said goodbye, upset and trying hard not to show it. Her first day at nursery school I was a mess, watching her run off with total excitement. I was the same at primary school, her first holiday away with friends. I was so often hiding my upset as I watched her take on the world. It’s not my job to hold her back with my emotions, they’re just a byproduct. But all those times I had him reassuring me, and just giving me the necessary hug I needed. But this time it’s just me.

So I did as any sane person would do when stuck in traffic while feeling rather sad – I called my best friend, because when you’re fed up they’ll have some way of bringing you back. I spoke of the reassurance I missed, how the evening before had been nice, how hard it is to see him sometimes when I still can’t hug him, how moments things seem so normal when we’re talking that I forget…

And then you realise why a best friend, an ‘honest, knows you inside and out, loves you and gets you’ best friend is so important. ‘You know why you love him’ she said. ‘you know all the good things about him that made you stay and work at being together. That’s the easy bit. Now remember why you’re not together, why you finally let go. That is the important bit. Those details, all of them, add up to the end.’

It’s true. And being nice, being kind and thoughtful can sometimes hide all that. It is important to do this break up well, but just as important is to remember that it is a break up. Those times when he backed away, told me he didn’t want to be with me, wasn’t sure of wanting to stay, all those times made dents. They hurt, and those hurts added up. And while being kind sometimes, just occasionally, gets in the way of being pissed off.

And I am pissed off. This could have been an amazing time together. My business doing well, he no longer tied to school times we could have had some great adventures of our own. Instead, I wave the daughter off on an exciting life changing experience and return to a home, alone.