It’s been a busy weekend. Not my turn to have the dog so things planned, people booked. A pleasing balance of new things and new places, or just some special treats in places I know with good friends. Because it helps. I don’t want to feel like I’m waiting for someone to come in, that I’m on pause. I deserve to have a nice time so I’m damn well going to.

But there’s always a moment. It hides, lurks around a corner and flicks you on the nose when you’re looking the other way.

Friday I went up the Shard for a cocktail (just the one, expensive, but so worth it) with my lovely god-daughter who came to stay not knowing it was mine and his 22nd anniversary. Didn’t tell her, the treat was already given and it wasn’t about that. It was lovely just hanging out with her. Saturday was full of shouting and laughing and new faces as I watched England beat Ireland in the rugby in a packed and lively pub with friends and their friends, and it was lovely being part of a crowd. Us strolling home with bags of chips and laugh at all the silly photos taken.

Today I went to meet a friend for lunch. It was a sunny day, and we were to meet in the park. On the way I heard a voice calling me. A man I know well, but haven’t seen since the break up. He runs a centre round the corner I often use for meetings I organise. Himself teaches his yoga classes there too. ‘Will you still be using the hall for meeting?’ he said. ‘You’ll need your own key‘.

And there it was. The moment. Because I’d always used the set of keys himself had, because this was a person who knew us both, because he was trying not to make an issue of the fact that I would, quite rightly, need my own keys, it felt like it was the biggest issue there was. He was just trying to be helpful. I’m not really sure why it hurt. But hurt it did.

I walked to the park, met my friend and wept. I was eventually fine of course. I know I will be. But the shell I am trying to form is very far from set. I don’t want to desensitize myself. I cannot imagine ever being unbothered and I know there will always be times that have the weight of emotion on them. I just wish they wouldn’t leap out at you when you’re not ready.