Tag: hello

53. In that first embrace of hello there is an armful of feeling.

Well, there’s another first bitten the dust – if that’s the way to phrase it. Another thing that, should it happen again, won’t be so strange, so unknown. He had a party. A small flat warming do. Just a manageable gathering of people, and I know all of them.

So there was the challenge. And it has been rather a day of it. I had morning spent chatting to people I haven’t seen for months who go to his classes every week. I bumped into them going for a post yoga class brunch. At least I haven’t had to “do the ‘We’ve broken up’ talk, though I’ve no idea when he actually told them about us. But those first meetings with people who know us both, know the news, it feels strangely sad.

There’s nearly always a hug, and in that first embrace of hello there is an armful of feeling. The tentative and awkward but trying not to show discomfort hug, the ‘don’t really know how to handle this’ hug; The ‘it makes no difference’ hug; The ‘well, isn’t life a fucker’ hug. And throughout today I have received all of them.

It was a pleasant enough evening. On advice (much needed) I arrived at the later end of the ‘get here between 7 and 8’ request. (You’re a guest, I was reminded, and you can get there when you bloody well like.) It felt better to join the gathering, not help start it – my usual role at a party. But this wasn’t our doo, I wasn’t there to help or entertain. Just to chat, and have a drink and eat too much cheese.

At one point we sat together and talked. And it’s still strange. So familiar and comfortable, yet distant. Like a video call in a way. But there are phrases that still feel so loaded. “You’d really like her” he said, about his latest one-to-one yoga client.  And that felt odd. Does he still think about my likes and dislikes? Do I pop still into his head? Will there soon be a “her” that I may have to consider?

And then it was easier to just leave. Enough face shown, plenty of being sociable, but home in time for tea and toast. Because one first always reminds me that there are probably plenty of others yet to come.

24. What the hell can a good goodbye fill you with?with? 

I have a very dear friend who can’t do goodbye’s. Really can’t. She turns in to a wobbly mess if there’s a goodbye buildup. I understand how she feels. Hellos are so much more fun. They don’t come with a feeling of loss or dread. A good hello fills your heart. What the hell can a good goodbye fill you with? 

The Goodbye I cannot bring myself to say is on the horizon. Getting ever nearer and bigger and heavier. Looming, like a big rain cloud.

It’s not been an unpleasant time in the flat in spite of it’s ever increasing presence. We found a new thing to watch together for now (My Brilliant Friend, a wonderful adaptation of the Elena Ferrante novel – if you must know) which, after blog #3 is a welcome surprise. There’s the buildup to Christmas – it’s tomorrow! – so that keeps things busy, making sure we have the day prepared. There’s the fact that he brought home a Christmas tree last week which, though small, is now fully bedecked with silver beads and white lights. (The Christmas tree is often an issue as I love them and he and the surprisingly humbug daughter don’t. So getting one for me this year meant a lot.) There are presents under the tree all wrapped and labelled. From me to him and him to me.  We made no lists this year. Gave no hints or suggestions. So who knows if they’ll be liked or wanted.

But the Goodbye is still sitting about. And in order to say it without saying it I have written him a letter. I’m not sure it’s helped me and I have not idea how he will feel about it. But it feels like the right thing to do. Because I do wish him well. I do hope he’ll be happy. I do hope he finds what he’s looking for. I just find it hard to say to his face at the moment. I think Goodbye and I cry. And, quite frankly I’d like to look relatively ok for at least one day. Especially Christmas day.

So whatever else a good Goodbye might look like, mine looks like some words.

And here’s to a good Christmas.