8. Today is a wobbly one.

Not all days are the same, a truism that’s a constant no matter how the world is doing. But today is a wobbly one. Feeling worried, anxious, scared – you know the sort of thing. Knot in your stomach, tears threatening, throat feeling tense.

To look on the bright side we’re still chatting, nicely, about stuff. I mean not the serious bit – moving out details, finance (oh, the dreaded finance). Just about the dog, my photographs (currently in an exhibition, good to be sidetracked by something positive that isn’t just work) would you like porridge. There’s a friendly atmosphere – if a little tentative.

So the subject of ‘restorative yoga’ comes up. Yes, I know, not your usual topic for a Thursday morning. Well, it could be, I’m not one to assume. It’s not usually top of my list, that’s all. But while I do yoga fairly frequently – or practice, as I think you’re supposed to say – I find that fairly gently yoga is lovely, but lying around hugging a bolster is not my favourite. “That’s because you don’t relax.” he says

Don’t I?  Really? Well not at the bloody moment, I think. I don’t say it out loud of course. I don’t feel that there’s a lot to relax about. But have I been like this for a long time? I’ve always used my energy to do something – often paint something (walls not art!) or garden or just be active in some way. I don’t think I’m fidgety, just that there’s a lot to do. So I often just do it. But in the months, and, possibly years that things have slowly been peeling apart between us maybe I’ve lost my ability to chill. Just be.

And that makes me feel wobbly too. Because my tension is useful sometimes. It can be a good energy. It’s made me do things I probably wouldn’t have done under the cover that it’s better to act then stand still.

Deeds not words, she says while writing.

But even this writing is an action. It’s an outlet, albeit an action of the mind and fingers alone. But I can’t knit so it will have to do. And maybe, after I’ve taken the dog out and finished painting the door I won’t feel quite so wobbly.